Hold On
by gf7
Summary: Lorna Dane and Jean Grey meet to discuss love, life and the Summers men.


TITLE: Hold On  
AUTHOR: Shawn Carter AKA The Godfather  
SUMMARY: Jean Grey and Lorna Dane meet in New York to talk about life, love and Summers men.  
NOTES: This is a bit AU though not much. The troubles between Jean and Scott are existent and Alex is still flying around somewhere in no mans' land. Lorna is back from Genosha but the rest of the craziness going on in the X verse has faded to white noise. This is my first X piece so we'll see how it goes.  
PAIRINGS: S/J, A/L  
RATING: PG-13. A tad of language. A tad of adult nature. Surely nothing racy.  
MUSICAL NOTES: The title and lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan.  
  
***  
  
"And I have the sense to recognize  
That I don't know how to let him go.."  
  
****  
  
After awhile, you get used to looking over your shoulder and realizing that what you're seeing actually happened yesterday. At first it feels like you're being punched in the gut and you start scrapping to get a grip. On something. Anything. Let me tell you; it doesn't work. Not like that anyways.  
  
I've been with Scott a long time. And damn, we've been through so much. Both of us have died. Both of us have been reborn. He's my husband and I love him with everything that is inside of me.  
  
So why can't I escape the feeling that I'm losing him with every breath I take?   
  
Scott Summers is my husband. My soulmate. Of this I have no doubt. He is the other half of me. He completes me.  
  
But lately, everything is cold.  
  
So very cold.  
  
****  
  
She looked up from the table and smiled. She waved her hand at her friend and directed her towards the table. "I ordered you a beer. I hope that's okay?" Lorna Dane said softly.  
  
"Great," Jean Grey said with a large smile as she settled herself into the booth. "It's been a long time, Lorna."  
  
The young woman who was also known in mutant circles as Polaris chuckled dryly. "It's been a long time since I was me. Again."  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"I've been better. I won't deny that. I'm still coming to terms with some things.."  
  
"Magneto?"  
  
"Eric," Lorna admitted with a hint of sadness. She looked up at the woman who was pretty much the only family she had left. "I keep letting myself get fucked over."  
  
"You and me," Jean said with a tired sigh. "What happened with you and Magneto?"  
  
"He made me forget. He made be believe."  
  
"Forget? Believe?" Jean queried, looking up to acknowledge the server who moved over them. It was a young man, probably in his early twenties. The way he looked at Lorna seemed to suggest that he knew what they were. But it was New York so maybe not. After all, green hair in the big city? Not all that rare. Maybe he just thought she was odd. Whatever the case, Lorna paid him little attention except to accept her beer and then to offer him three dollars as a tip. The boy promptly moved away.  
  
"He made me forget how much I miss Alex..even as he was making me believe that by helping him, I could find a way to save Alex." She shook her head, disgusted with herself. "Stupid, huh?"  
  
"No," Jean said, shaking her head. 'It's what we do for the men we love." Then she laughed. "And we both love Summers men."  
  
"Ain't that the truth," Lorna said, lifting up her beer and clinking it against Jeans'. "Tell me something..is this where you thought you'd be?"  
  
Jean shook her head and said quietly, so very quietly, "No. God no."  
  
Lorna lifted an eyebrow,"Problems? That's usually me and Alex's domain."  
  
"Things have been..different..since Scott returned.." Jean murmured, almost thoughtfully. She sipped her beer.  
  
"How?" Lorna prompted, relieved to not be talking about her problems for at least a few moments.   
  
"Distant." Jean looked up. "It's like we're both looking at each other..right at each other but we're not seeing each other. We're just not making a connection." She lowered her voice. "And I'm scared."  
  
"Scared? Of Scott? He would never.."  
  
"No..no..I know he would never. And it's not that at all..it's me..and it's him..and it's things we do.."  
  
"You're losing me."  
  
Jean looked up at her friend, "Did you and Alex ever cheat on each other?"  
  
Lorna chuckled dryly. "No. Of all the problems Alex and I have ever have..cheating has never been one of them. That's not to say that he hasn't had his share of cheap floozies."  
  
Jean laughed. "Not judgmental are we?"  
  
"Not at all," Lorna grinned. "But seriously, he's had his share of women but they've always been in off periods for us.."  
  
"You keep referring to him.."  
  
"In the present tense," Lorna acknowledged. "You never gave up, did you?"  
  
Jean shook her head. "I never could Even without our link..I knew.."  
  
"And I know.." Lorna said urgently. "I just know. I don't need signs..I just need my heart and it tells me that eventually, sooner or later, I'll be holding him in my arms again." She glanced down at her hands. "Maybe it's denial. Maybe I can't let him go but why is that so bad?" She shook her head then, clearing away the doubts. "No, he's alive."  
  
"Okay," Jean said softly. "Okay."  
  
"Right right..ok..so why are we talking about cheating?"  
  
"Logan.."  
  
"You cheated with Wolverine??" Lorna exclaimed, a little bit too loudly, a little bit too passionately. A couple sitting in the booth near them turned to gaze at them inquisitively.  
  
Jean shushed her, placing a hand over friends. "No. No. But I have kissed him, Twice."  
  
"How?" Lorna asked, moving closer, almost acting like it was some great conspiracy.  
  
"The first time..I thought I was going to die..I mean..really...he kissed me..and I didn't stop him. It felt good but I didn't..you know..there's Scott.."  
  
Lorna nodded, "Them Summers men."  
  
"Them Summers men," Jean agreed. "The second time..I was talking to Logan about Scott and I...I was telling him how lonely I feel..and I kissed him."  
  
"How'd it feel?"  
  
"Nice. Good. Not Scott."  
  
Lorna smiled, a bit sadly. "I know that feeling. Not Alex."  
  
"Magneto?"  
  
Lorna just smiled. She didn't offer anything more than that. Just a sad smile. Whatever the truth was there; she wasn't about to elaborate.  
  
"But there's something else," Jean said, looking down at her beer. "I think Scott.." she looked up. "I think Scott and Emma..maybe...you know?"  
  
"No. No way," Lorna said. She took Jeans' hand. "No way. Uh uh."  
  
"I asked him..you know..directly..he said that they hadn't slept together but that she had kept him up all night. I keep trying to figure out why maybe he didn't just say no."  
  
Lorna shrugged,"I don't know.."  
  
"I mean..it's not like..Scott..you know...him and Maddie..well he wasn't exactly faithful.."  
  
"But it was always you, Jean. Always."  
  
She nodded. "Logan said that too and you know..I know. I just.." She took a deep breath. "I don't know what I'd do without him. When I thought he was dead..I was dead."  
  
"I know," Lorna said. "The last time I saw Alex...well not the last one..but a couple days before..I told him we were done. He looked so crushed. And it felt good. After everything he'd put me through..it felt so good to actually be the one making the decisions. But he still got the last word."  
  
"You're angry.."  
  
"Your telepathy tell you that?" Lorna asked tiredly. Then she sighed. "Yeah I am..and I'm not. What happened with Er..Magneto..that pretty much evened out things."  
  
"Alex betrayed you with the whole Brotherhood thing.."  
  
"He had his reasons." She sighed. "He always has his reasons. It's his own war. Like he's always fighting something."  
  
"Like they both are. Scott and Alex..I don't know what's in their heads..but they always push too fast..too hard...they're always trying to prove something."  
  
"I wish they'd stop," Lorna said. "I just wish.."  
  
"You wish they'd just slow down and let us hold them for five seconds. Put away their crusade."  
  
"Yeah," Lorna admitted.  
  
Yeah," Jean repeated.   
  
"Can I get you two ladies another beer?" the server said, coming over to the table. They looked each other, laughed and then Lorna said, "Sure..keep 'em coming."  
  
"So what now?" Jean said, as the server moved away. "I keep thinking..what if it's not like I always thought it'd be? What if..what if it ends up not being forever?"  
  
"It will. You and Scott..God Jean..call it corny..call it whatever..the two of you are soulmates. You just are. You know the insides of each others' heads. He's been through something..when Alex finally reappears again..so will he have..we just got to flow with it."  
  
"Flow with it."  
  
"Yeah, flow with it."  
  
"Ever get sick of flowing with it? Just wish they'd snap out of it?" Jean asked, a bit curiously. "I mean I know that's mean and all but.."  
  
"Yeah, " Lorna grinned. "You know..Alex is so much like Scott. Broods just like him. Puts everything on his shoulders. Sometimes I just wanted to slap him around. But then I figured that he might just sulk about that too."  
  
Jean laughed, "Tell me about it."  
  
"So, Jeanie, how about we blow some of this off and you and I actually remember what it used to feel like to party until morning. To be young teenagers instead of tired superheroes, huh?"  
  
"What are you suggesting?" Jean queried, curiously. She finished off the second beer and set it next to the four other bottles. Three were Lorna's. Two were hers.  
  
"A new club just opened in Manhattan. I say we go party," Lorna Dane said with a devilish smile. "I need to let my hair down and so do you..no one is gonna miss Jean Grey and Polaris for one night.."  
  
Jean eyed her friend for a long moment and then finally nodded. "Sounds like fun."  
  
"Do you remember what that is?" Lorna teased.  
  
Jean grinned and grabbed her friends' hand. "Well it used to be dancing until I broke a heel...we'll see what it is tonight..  
  
****  
  
I've known Alex since I was fifteen years old. I've loved him since the day I looked into his blue eyes. He used to laugh back then. He used to smile. He was a player with a devils' grin and I loved him for it. He used to call me babe. I used to call him lover.  
  
Now I just miss him.  
  
I know he's out there. I know because my heart tells me so. When I talk to Jamie about this, he just smiles at me. He's so very patient and he makes jokes, trying to make me think of something else. He's worried about me. So is Guido. And Pietro. And Val. The list goes on. They want to tell me to let go. To let him go.  
  
But I can't do it. I guess I don't know how.  
  
Maybe Alex is dead.  
  
But maybe he isn't.  
  
Jean got Scott back even if things aren't quite great right now. She'll find a way to make it work. She always does. Marvel Girl. Phoenix. Always from the ashes. That's her style. I'll make it mine.  
  
So I'll get Alex back.  
  
I know. I believe.  
  
God help me I have to. Because if I let him go then he's really gone. My beloved. My soulmate.  
  
And I'm alone.  
  
Oh Alex..  
  
***  
  
She slipped into their room at just after four in the morning. The scent of dawn was already snaking it's way through the trees. A gentle breeze curled through their window and slid across her cheeks.   
  
She undressed quickly, shedding his flannel shirt and laying it across their dresser. It had smelled like him when she had taken it earlier that evening. Now it still did but it also had the scents of beer and smoke caught into it's fabric. She unsnapped her jeans and folded them up. Looking around, she caught sight of the piles of clothes sitting in the basket. They were folded which meant they were clean.  
  
She quickly fished out a pair of Scott's blue and white boxers and pulled them on. One of his tee-shirts with a large X on it followed and then she pulled back the blankets to their bed.  
  
"Scott," she whispered, gently nipping his neck. She slid behind him and wrapped her arms around his torso. Instinctively, he folded back towards her. She brushed her fingers over his forehead and then kissed it. "I love you. I love you so much."  
  
He opened sleepy eyes and gazed at her through shades of red and black. He traced her face, feeling her skin beneath his fingertips. So soft. "Just get in?" he murmured.  
  
"Yeah," she said, leaning up to kiss him.  
  
"You smell like beer," Scott noticed, his eyebrow lifting.  
  
"Lorna and I hit a dance club in Manhattan."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"It was nice. Now shush, I didn't mean to wake you..I..I just want to hold you, okay?" Her voice was soft. Pained. Urgent.   
  
He opened his mouth to respond but then chose not to. There was so much going on, so much between them but for one night, one moment, this was okay. This was nice.  
  
He settled back against her, feeling the cotton of one of his tee-shirts against his skin. Rolling over, he gently tugged on it. She lifted her arms and allowed him to slide it over her head. He rubbed his stubbled cheek against hers and then crushed himself to her, enjoying the touch and the feel. The fire exploded in him but he dared not move.  
  
Because the moment was perfect.  
  
Sanity and heaven. Safety and bliss.  
  
For just a moment.  
  
And he clutched her tighter.  
  
****  
  
If I said that this was not what I had intended, would anyone believe me? If I swore that I had never meant for this much pain to come to my children, would anyone buy it?  
  
Scott and Jean. My son and my daughter. Never have I been more proud of two children. Two adults. Never will I be.  
  
And yet they hurt.  
  
Scott is not the same since he merged with Apocalypse. Jean is trying desperately to touch that place within him that is only hers. And she's so lonely herself. So lost.  
  
Like a child.  
  
And I did this to them. It was my dream. I promised Scott tolerance and acceptance. I helped Jean understand the amazing gift that her mind is. But the question remains:  
  
Would they have been better without me?  
  
Probably.   
  
But we all walk the paths we choose. I brought them into this. This walk of hell. And they made me proud.  
  
And I let them down.  
  
Will they forgive me? Of course they will. They always do.  
  
Will I forgive myself?  
  
Not so easy.  
  
***  
  
She unpacked slowly, spreading her clothes out in front of her. She hadn't wanted to accept Jean's invitation to return to the mansion but really she'd never had an option. This was home. Even in the worst of times.  
  
And she could feel him everywhere.  
  
She touched the bed and laughed a bit, remembering stolen moments spent in this room. And Charles in their heads telling them that tardiness would not be acceptable. Alex grinning and promising that it would only take a few moments.  
  
He'd been so playful back then. So devious about their time together. Whether at Xaviers' school or at the college, they'd been a constant part of each other. She could remember many a day spent making love to him when they should have been in class.  
  
He was so romantic. So passionate. And he loved her so much.  
  
Even in the worst of times; she'd never doubted that. Not for long anyways. She'd had her moments where she'd wondered about him but he'd always returned to her. It had felt good to be the one telling him they were over. To have the power. To see the crushed look in his eyes. To know what he didn't; that they would have another day but she was going to make him work for it.  
  
But that had exploded high above in the sky. In billions of pieces of debris. All falling. All flaming.  
  
Like him at times.  
  
The energy that pulsed through him caused him to have moments of madness. Dementia even. But she'd always been able to put out the fire. To wrap him close and cool him with just a gentle kiss.   
  
He'd always been able to light everything up in her. They'd been like fire and ice.  
  
She dropped down next to the bed and put her head in her hands. Looking over at her suitcase, she saw the sleeve of a brown leather bomber jacket poking out.  
  
It was his.  
  
He'd gotten it just before they had moved to New Mexico together. He'd worn it for a few months before she had managed to steal it from him and since that time it had switched hands several dozens times. Now it was hers by default.  
  
"It'll be yours again, lover," she whispered, pulling the jacket to her. She pressed her face into it, smelling the mixture of worn leather and his lingering cologne. Ignorant of the growing spot of wetness against her cheeks, she began to rock herself; weeping silently.  
  
It was just after seven in the morning when Bobby Drake lifted the girl he had once been in love with and would always adore into the bed. He pulled off her shoes and pulled the blankets up over her.  
  
And still she clutched the jacket.  
  
He smiled at her sadly, affectionately and then slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him.  
  
-FIN 


End file.
